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The teen now knows that Mom will back down when he threatens suicide. Mom immediately backs down and tries calming him down. The teens usual evasive tactics didn’t work this time, so he threatens suicide. Mom who normally let’s things slide at this point, decides to draw a hard line, walks to his room, opens the door and let’s him know that he will need to see a therapist. The teen knows that eventually Mom will back down. When Mom persists, he heads for his room and slams the door. Mom tries to talk to her son when they get home, but he refuses to talk about it. He is caught performing a sexual act in the classroom and is being held accountable for his actions. The principal of the teen’s school calls his mom to report another incident. That is the extinction burst.Īnother example: A teenager has an issue behaving appropriately at school.
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When the husband realizes the intimidation isn’t working he takes it to the next level and begins to throw things in a rage. Normally at this point his wife concedes out of intimidation, but this time she decides to hold her ground. The husband becomes frustrated so he begins to raise his voice and give reasons at to why he feels a new motorcycle would be a good decision but she still doesn’t budge, so he yells louder. Believe it or not, adults manipulate too when they don’t get their way and they also have extinction bursts… often more subtle or just hidden from the public eye. Let me give you an example:Ī husband argues with his wife about getting a new motorcycle but she disagrees. Just because we grow up, doesn’t mean that we fundamentally change our basic behaviors. Why this is relevant to you and your family In this case Billy decided to to manipulate more forcefully and it happened to pay off. His behavior was perfectly calculated to get his mother to give him candy, but when she unexpectedly resisted his attempts at manipulation, he had very limited options: he could accept that she was not going to give him candy and go with her, or he could manipulate her more forcefully. The extinction burst unfolded when Mommy, who would have normally given Billy what he wanted decided to react differently in Billy’s last ditch effort to secure his ideal outcome: getting his candy! It began at the point when he realized that she wasn’t going to cave to his demands. Afraid that he won’t get his way by employing his usual bag of tricks, Billy does something drastic he throws himself to the floor kicking and screaming with tears coming fast and hard as he shouts his demands that Mommy deliver the goods or ELSE! By now he is attracting more attention than Mommy can bear and Mommy finally relents and gives Billy the candy.ĭid you see where the extinction burst occurred? The extinction burst was not the initial demand for candy, nor was it the second or third demand because those were the same tactics Billy’s used on numerous occasions to get his way. From Billy’s perspective, things just got serious because Mommy called his bluff and is not deterred. “You can’t have any candy!” Billy’s screams echo through the store, “I WANT CANDY, I WANT CANDY!” At this point Mommy usually relents and gives Billy his candy to avoid further scrutiny from nearby shoppers, but this time she decides enough is enough and turns and walks away. “How many times have I told you not to yell in here?” she demands. “Not right now,” she answers bravely, “you’ll spoil your dinner.” Unfazed by her conventional tone, Billy raises the stakes, “I WANT CANDY!” he screams louder than before. The inevitability does nothing to allay the dread that creeps into Mommy’s heart. Silently she pleads, “Please don’t see the candy, please don’t see the candy!” “I want candy!” comes the inevitable demand. On her way in to pick up some flour for the cake she’s making for Billy’s birthday, they pass the bane of every parent: the candy aisle! The theme from The Twilight Zone plays in the back of her mind as the hair on her arm raises. The Story Unfolds A three year old boy named Billy goes to the store with Mom. So why is it called an extinction burst? To better explain this phenomenon let me tell you a story. Simply put, an extinction burst looks like a tantrum, in fact, that’s pretty much what it is. An extinction burst is a sudden and temporary increase in “undesirable” behavior when the behavior is no longer reinforced. If you don’t have kids, you’ve probably seen one unfold at the store or the mall or even at a friend’s home. This term is probably unfamiliar to most people, but you’ve most likely seen one before, especially if you have kids.